I've been away for a number of reasons.  To be honest, the main reason is because I've suddenly become aware that my blog posts seems so superficial and just pointless because I never really have anything to write about.  And the main reason for that would have to be attributed to my lack of a LIFE.

Let's face it- over the past three or four years, my occasional blog posts have been about school and school.  And that would be because I didn't honestly have anything else to write about.  Seriously.

I feel like I've spent the last four years living inside... I don't know, a classroom with my face plastered to a book, too preoccupied with the words to notice what was going on around me.  And because I've been such a recluse, I've continued to be a recluse- I haven't felt confident enough to leave the protection of my school "bubble."  It's a vicious cycle.

And now, while I AM truly excited to graduate, I'm also petrified and disappointed.

I'm excited because I'm done and mostly, because I'm done with UFV.  But this, unfortunately is where my disappointment comes in.  I'm sure I've ranted and ranted about this a million times already, but it feels like it gets worse and worse.  I never wanted to go to UFV.  I know I've said that a million and one times, but it's always true.  I had such high hopes for my university experience.  I thought I'd immediately find something I loved and that I'd stick with it.  I thought I'd come across lots of experiences that would help me later on in life.  I thought I'd meet people and make lifelong friends. 

But I feel like I didn't do any of those things.  I thought I'd live on campus, or at least away from home.  Instead, I lived at home for my whole degree and commuted for two long years.  I know my drive was a fairly easy drive compared to some, but you know what, I don't care!  It was still horrible.  I never found anyone to carpool with, had to pay for outrageously expensive insurance, gas, and, I had to put up with all of the stupid people who somehow manage to get a license even though they're the worst drivers EVER.  It sounds pathetic to complain about it, but when you have to deal with crap like stupid drivers twice a day... it becomes fairly awful.

The friends issue is a major sore spot.  I always heard that university was where you met great people and made friendships that would last for ever.  I honestly can say that I've only just recently met people I can truly consider to be friends.  We actually hang out.  So yes,  it took me four years to make friends.  Why?  Why?  I think it's because I've made myself incredibly annoying.  No, really.  I'm kind of obnoxious, probably laugh too loud and make too many jokes, and have what can only be called adult acne.  Plus, so much of what I says starts with "It's like that time in Friends when..." and then I proceed to quote (line by line) the episode/moment I'm referring to.  My gosh.  It's a miracle I've made any friends.  I'm so annoying I annoy myself.  Bottom line, I didn't make amazing friends, and I alienated more than a couple of people because I said stupid things.

I thought university would help me to grow up.  Instead, I feel like it's kept me back.  To start with, Abbotsford, in my mind, is one of the most terrible places to be in, because it's a place where it's so easy to get stuck in a rut.  I don't even live there anymore, and I can still feel it holding me back.  There aren't any good jobs, the people are, for the most part, lame (I can only make a few exceptions) and everything just plain old sucks.  Plus, it stinks like cow manure practically 24/7.  I don't care that it's a "city in the country."  That doesn't make it a good place to be!

So I got stuck in Abbotsford and at UFV.  The worst part is that I can just hear my jerkface dad saying "We always planned for you to go to UFV."  And then he'd probably smile some evil, creepy smile, which would make me want to smack him in the face with, I don't know, a frying pan or something.  I went to UFV because it was the easiest thing to do.  I stayed there because all of my other plans were short circuited (thanks, stupid big institutions.  You could've had my money, but instead, I gave it all to UFV).

Whine whine whine.  I know!  But I'm just so disappointed with myself!  I feel like I haven't done anything.  I have this stupid degree now and don't know what to do with it.  AND, I'm so messed up from all of this stuff that I can't even imagine myself leaving school.  My school bubble is about to burst and I have no idea what to do next.  I'm afraid, and I don't want to go into the "real world" feeling unprepared.  My job prospects don't help.  I feel like my schooling can't really be put to good use.  And because I chose to concentrate on my studies and not work part time (or during the summer because I did summer semesters), I don't really have any work experience.  I'm starting from scratch.  I'm pretty much worse off than those kids who work at McDonald's for a year during grade 12, or something.  Sure, I worked for two years at the call centre, but it doesn't seem to count.  Probably because I left in 2007 (as in, three years ago), and because I never really did anything else.  Well, I was an ESL tutor for a while, and I was a proofreader for about a year, but that's not going to help me to get a job for, say, the city or something.  I know I can get a part-time, $8/hour job at a jewelry store in the mall.  And I'm pretty sure I'm qualified to be a sandwich artist, or some sort of person who wears a hairnet and fries burgers, but I don't want to do that!  I'm sorry, but I've just spent four years going to school and I feel like I should be able to do better than a minimum wage job!

I hate posting crap like this.  But I'm seriously at the point where I want to scream.  I'm wondering why I wasted my time going to school.  I wish I could do it all over.  But I know I can't.  And that's probably the most disappointing thing.  I'm stuck with these crap non-memories and this crap experience.  If I ever have children (or rather, an insane number of cats) I'll get to tell them how much I hated university, and pretty much, my whole life.  I'm nearly twenty-two years old.  I've still never been on a plane, never left North America, never had a real boyfriend (rather difficult when you make yourself repulsive to everyone.  Even dogs hate me), never had a real job, and have never had a moment where I've felt like I could be truly happy with myself.  Even when I feel like I accomplish something, there's still things that nag at me and pull me down.  Then these things remind me of the fact that I still hate most aspects of my life.  To be perfectly honest, I never figured I'd make it this far at all.  I always thought I'd die tragically.  You know, choke on something, fall down stairs, get run over, fall into a giant chasm during an earthquake... While dying young sounds tragic, I figured that since so many of the great artists did it and were successful post-mortem, it couldn't be all bad.  Not saying that I want to kill myself or anything, I just figured that I'd be part of some sort of tragedy.  I've always been about the drama.

I'm going to stop here.  While this point is semi-motivating (seriously), it's also just a titch depressing.  I really want to have a life that I'm happy about, I just don't know where to start, because I feel like so many things need to be fixed.  Gah!

I APPLIED TO GRADUATE TODAY! CLEARLY, I AM SUPER EXCITED... I used all caps. I don't usually do that.

now, all I have to do is survive the next couple of weeks. I'm hoping that the Easter weekend will prove to be a productive one. I'm thinking that maybe I can get one of my papers done? I'm hoping, anyway. Because that'd be really nice.

I suppose that yesterday was technically the first day of spring. But, I have to say that I DON'T BELIEVE IT. Here on the Wet Coast, it has been cold... I went for a run the other morning and it was (supposedly, anyway) about 2 degrees celsius. And it did feel cold. Plus, I believe that I've seen frost. Now, it is pouring. POURING. Rain isn't really indicative of any season here. Just a friendly reminder that I live in BC.

Ah. Well. Life has been supremely stressful. Haven't really been doing any homework... not really thinking about the fact that my 3 papers are coming up soon (and I also have one that was due last Thursday... still haven't started yet)... hoping that I'll remember to put in my graduation application. Mostly, I've been thinking about sleeping, and also, WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

The last question is probably the source of all of my stress. I've been trying to figure out the answer for about four years. So far, I'm about where I started. Over the course of my degree, I have come to the conclusion that I like:

-reading
-writing
-researching (when I'm interested in the topic)
-Shakespeare
-Renaissance Literature
-WWI and its impact on society (read: literature and culture)
-art history (especially high Renaissance and the post-impressionists)
-watching TV
-doing nothing

So. What to do with these interests? I'm not really sure. I've taken a couple of aptitude tests and they all tell me the same thing: I like reading, writing and researching. And then they list a bunch of possible career paths (some have included things like air pilots and morticians... OH, and doctors (hahaha)), all of which don't actually lead me to anything I'd consider doing.

As I can't figure any of this out now, and I doubt that I'll have everything sorted before the end of April (as in, time to get a job), I guess I'm going to apply for a bunch of completely unrelated jobs and see if I can figure things out as I go. I'm hoping though, that I'll find something I want to do. I need to have deadlines to work towards. So, if I know that I have to apply to a program by, I don't know, say June 2011, then I'll be much more motivated to actually...well, work.

Right now, I've come up with a number of graduate programs I'm interested in. I just have to narrow it down to one field of study. I feel like I'm all over the place, since I'm considering law, journalism, library sciences, English lit, creative writing, and I hope that's it. I keep referring to this jobfutures website (through Service Canada), and it keeps on providing me with frightening information. For example, it tells you average wage in the field you are thinking of entering, as well as job prospects. I also discovered that a large portion of graduates with degrees in Arts don't end up using their degrees. The largest portion of Arts graduates appear to be in teaching. Annnnd... a great number of those who chose not to go into teaching are currently working in the food and beverage service industry. THANK YOU for telling me this, jobfutures.ca. It's great to know that my 10 semesters of work will be put to good use once I'm working as world's worst waitress (seriously, I would be the worst).

Well. That's my piece for the day. Now I have to get back to reading about Nazi war crimes. Exciting.